I have a new theory.....which is a dangerous way to start a blog.....

It seems that I can feel God's presence most at the extremes of life...

Let me try and explain....most of the time we live in a pretty steady, tranquil state. Normal, if you will. Then there are times that are out of the ordinary....times when we feel emotions pulling us one way or the other or experience something....extraordinary...those are the times when I am able to hear God best. It is as if God is grabbing my attention in one way or another...

Tieing in with this (and certainly enough of a topic for a whole 'nother blog) is how God reveals Himself through His Creation. I'll go into that in more depth sometime but to me, the times when I feel God working in my heart....the times when I can worship Him best...are always related to His creation. It isn't when the band is really good on Sunday morning or even when I'm playing in the band....it's in His creation. Now when I say creation, I mean both nature and people...

That was another layer...we're getting there...let me offer some examples...

I had been praying for months that God would birth more of a broken spirit in me last year....broken over the world...God answered that prayer when I was in Nicaragua with hardly anyone I knew after spending a day recovering from a severe fever with nothing but a Bible and time...He broke me in that extreme of health and emotion...when I had nothing but Him...when He had grabbed my full attention

I saw a man crossing the street in Buffalo today...I don't know exactly what had happened to him but he looked well into his 40's and had longer dirty hair and walked with a limp. I believe he may have been a bit slow mentally from what I saw as well....he started to cross the busy intersection and looked over his shoulder continually with desperation as he hobbled to the other side...it was as if he was afraid a car would hit him. The drivers all just kept going, passing within feet of him on either sides...he got to the other side and kept walking along clutching whatever precious belonging he was holding and perhaps muttering something to himself. It was an extreme of God's creation...and it broke my heart. I came very close to crying as I sat at the red light and wished I could do more than just pray....

I have started to walk more as I find it much easier to pray if I'm not just sitting in one spot....I recently went to the top of a hill not to far from my house and stopped to look around....the sun was pouring out of a hole in the clouds and bathing the top of a fresh field of corn with a golden light....turning to my left revealed a mighty wave of storm clouds billowing in from the south....there was a majesty and peace about the entire place...it was an extreme of solitude and beauty....I felt closer to God then than I do after any sermon or worship session...

Lastly....last night, in an attempt to escape the mundane mediocrity that is my day job, I somehow coerced a group of somewhat like minded friends into going swimming under a 70 ft waterfall on posted private property at 9 o'clock at night....it really wasn't a bad idea at all....after a series of mild misadventures we arrived at the base of the gorge and questioned our sanity as the white water roared over the lip of the stream and plummeted into the pool below....the power and mist and current was incredible as we slowly waded into the pool...once in, it took all one had just to swim toward the falls and once you got there, you realized that there was as much water in the air as there was below the surface and quickly backed out to catch a breath....we then pioneered our way behind the falls where we were overwhelmed by the force of the water on all sides...it was an extreme of God's creation once again....to feel the power and beauty and know that our God made it all...I felt alive in a new way as I slipped under the falls and back into reality....

There is a lot to be said for the still, small voice of God....but I love to live in the extremes too....I love to be overwhelmed by the presence of God and the realization of who He is....

Nothing makes me feel so small, yet so alive, as when I experience the extremes of life and realize that from one end to the other, God has it all in the palm of His hand and yet loves me more than anything in the whole world.

I think I will always be restless.

I have such a hard time with commitment. I don't like the idea of knowing what's ahead. It ruins the excitement. It seems like if I commit to one thing, I will forever miss the chance to find something better. 

Being restless doesn't mean I can not be happy though. The adventure is what I love. The unknown. New things and new people. A new view. The same view from a different angle.....

Maybe God means to use my restless spirit. Or maybe it is a bad thing. It is hard for me to realize that I have a job that is going to keep me in NY for at least a few more years even though NY is where my family is. It is hard for me to imagine ever buying a house because that would mean something in my life is permanent even though a part of me wants to be able to take something and make it exactly what I want…my very own. Freedom? Or the lock that clasps the chains around my wrists. It seems that so many things are like this. A piece of me wants to gain something and the other part wants nothing to do with it. I don’t know if I am the only one. I think not. I think there are a lot of people out there who feel the urge to speed down an open road or stand at the edge of a canyon. To swim in an ocean where no one has ever swam or hear the sound of silence in an empty concert hall. I think that as many people who have longed for those things have turned them down for the “logical” answer. A good paying job and a family. A home and a nice car.

Is that what it’s all about? Is that what I have to look forward to? Why do all those good things lose their appeal when they are anything other than another chapter of my life that has yet to be turned to something grander and more mysterious?

Most people would look at my life and are impressed at how far I’ve come by the age of 21. I’ve already lost one good job and picked up another. I’ve earned my college degrees and have a nice car. I suppose I should be content where I am. There is still a lot to look forward to. But is it enough? To me, when it is known, it is not enough. The time I felt most alive was after I was laid off from my last job. As soon as I got the news, I gasped a sigh of relief and felt as though I breathed back in the first breath of a new life. Why?!!? I loved my job. I would have never thought twice about keeping it for another few years...actually, that was the plan! But yet, when it was gone and I knew I could go anywhere I wanted and do anything, I felt like I had a second chance. I felt alive.

Why is perfection lost when it is achieved? Is it nothing but a way to rob us of freedom? Give me an open road and a fast car. A motorcycle with a full tank. A plane ticket to anywhere.

But yet I am like everyone else. Well on my way to success and boredom. Where are my stories? Where are my memories? Where is my freedom?

But at the same time I feel it's wrong to want more.....